An explanation of the inconsistent bigrockroom output
By thebigrockroom, Mar 28 2017 05:15PM
The following blog comprises of pieces written at different times over the last year. The first was mid 2016 the second part is now
MID 2016 - So finally I've been able to get it together enough to write a blog. I thought I'd use this time to explain the inconsistency in the timeline with thebigrockroom's output.
As I start to write, I suddenly realise that the writing process doesn't feel as fluid as it did when I've been drifting off to sleep over the past months writing this in my head. Anyway where to begin, let's start by saying I fucking hate my illness.
I hate My illness with a passion but it's not going anywhere and it's a daily battle of compromise and fighting to keep going. In the last blog I mentioned that life was a bit of a struggle. Things have since then taken a turn for the worst and my depression and anxiety are back with full force. I'm back on full medication to control it and right now I'm so tired and lethargic it wins all the battles. I don't have the strength to fight it. It's stronger than me right now. I do wonder whether my medication is no longer working as well as it did and maybe I'm just too used to it or maybe in actual fact it is doing really well and without it this depression would be 100% debilitating and crippling as it has been in the past.
All I know for sure is that everything I hold dear to me, everything that brings me joy and happiness in this world, it takes away from me. I love and have always loved playing music, listening to music, writing music, recording music, editing music, filming & editing films.This illness takes all of that away from me. It gives me a fear. A fear of doing any of these things. I can't even open my computer let alone start up the program to start working on anything. It's always a reason, an excuse, a fear to start. It's a powerful feeling. To not do things, to not get involved, to not start, to not open up this possible can of worms and it kills me every day and it takes my anxiety through the roof because I know I want to do this and I love to do this but it won't let me and that kills me.
To give you an example, the Winnebago video we just posted online a few months ago that was originally down to be posted in November 2015 [filmed months before that] and I finally managed to pull it together for April 2016. There is so much going on that just isn't getting finished right now. My RDH album is the pinnacle of this in the fact that it's taken me nearly 5 years to complete and things should be taking me weeks to do are taking months because of the fear.
Fast forward to March 2017, Things are a little different now. Things are getting done. I'm a little more in control of my depression. I'm working hard with my doctors to really put it to bed once and for all. In fact I have now been off my medication for a week. That's 17 years on that medication. And no matter what happens I will not be going back on that particular medication. It has done it's time and was probably doing more harm than good by the end. I've made some new decisions about how to control things. Goals, Achievable goals. One at a time.
So what is happening..Well firstly, we recorded, filmed and released our first YouTube video in almost a year. I set a goal, a timeline and me and the boys pulled it off. We're all overjoyed with the results. On a personal level it felt like a real achievement. A real step forward. Me starting to believe in and enjoy music again. Recording the track and filming it spurred me on to upgrade my video software to Final Cut Pro X. A little scary at first but ultimately it relit the fire. I'm so happy and relaxed on the new version now.
We are already deep into the next track [if fact as I write this we are filming tonight][ and in fact as I ready this to publish I have just finished editing the video]. I decided on a trilogy of tunes as a four piece band [Me, Paul, Jude & Ben]. The boys have just been informed of the third track which we will start tracking very soon [Actually we have already tracked drums for it now].
As always I have a million ideas, I'm just keeping them to myself for now. One at a time. Sometimes the pressure I feel when I've put something out there creates massive anxiety. Something I am now actively trying to avoid.
There are about 5/6 unfinished tracks from the last year or two that are recorded to varying degrees. I relistened to them the other day. They sounded great. I felt more empowered to finish them than in a long time. They all involve 'Guest' artists, and last year I just didn't have the strength to pull it all together. As it stands right now, when the right time presents itself, I'll pull them together one by one. No pressure though, just as and when. As with all these things, they are not going anywhere. They can be picked up at any point. A Realisation that is helping me to keep things under control.
We actually have 2/3 videos ready to go. Something we've never had. One is a by product of the latest Metallica cover [A drum playthrough that has now been uploaded the other week], Two are unfinished projects from last year. Things we started when I was 'up' and that didn't get finished as I slipped down again.
Paul has been awesome in standing by me as I've wavered. He's been there when I've felt up and he's been there when I've felt down. Never pushing in my difficult times, only supporting me and allowing me to survive without added pressure. Some nights in the studio were productive, some were counselling sessions :-)
He has managed to finish his Electric Caesar EP, which is now on sale on most digital platforms as well as a CD from the website. As Paul so lovingly put it, by finishing it, it was partly a gentle kick in the ass for me to finish the RDH album. He even graciously catalogued it as BRR002 leaving BRR001 for my album.
And that brings us neatly on to Bigrock Records. With Paul's EP finished and my RDH album drawing ever closer, we decided to create Bigrock Records. A home for all our recorded output. However you regard it, it feels so cool on a personal level to 'own' a record label.
So, the RDH album. With Paul's gentle nudging and my more positive outlook, a few mix and mastering sessions suddenly ended up with a finished product. I really wasn't expecting it finished when it happened. I was just listening back to the masters and at the end of the 10 tracks realised that I had made no notes. And suddenly there it was finished. The rollercoaster ride was over. We are currently putting the finishing touches on the artwork.
Having the weight of the album lift, I started to compile all the riffs/songs for album number 2. I have ideas from 2013. That essentially tells you when the songs for the first album were actually finished. 3-4 years of ups and downs to get it signed off.
One big triumph from last year was playing our second ever live performance as thebigrockroom, on September 24th. An opportunity arose and after discussions between me and Paul, we put it out to the boys and everyone was up for it. We jammed it out over 3 weeks and played 18 songs to a packed house [including 4 Electric Caesar tunes – an unofficial launch party]. On a side note, Me and Jude used to play this pub back in the day and would play to the bar staff. To finally have standing room only was a real achievement! It wasn't an easy task mentally for me. Knowing I didn't want to let the boys down helped to keep me going. I really am so lucky to have players around me who can step up to the mark very quickly. To play so well on 3 practices felt great.
My new found enthusiasm has enabled me to start updating the website again. I've started by introducing the boys in more detail. I've got lots of content coming together. Feels good to get things moving again.
So things are looking up. As you have seen from the little intermissions through this blog, things are really moving now. I'm hoping for a far more consistent output from here on in. Only time will tell. Depression is a funny old beast but I am working to control it rather than the other way around.
I hope you all enjoy the next part of the journey with us.
Thank you for your time